Griefstricken (the loss of a Cat)

the worst feeling in the world, would be when your so stricken with grief, that you cannot even stand. when your breath is shortened, because you just do not know what to do with yourself. You find yourself wandering around, cleaning up the pet bowls, maybe putting his bed in the washer, and for some reason, the rain outside always ends up pouring down. you put every pet bowl he has in the sink, or start scrubbing. You stare at his bed as if it is going to be full with his soft fuzzy belly again. The catbox sits there, and tho you are emptying and getting rid of everything, you do not want to see the place totally empty without him. You know you have to call the vet to give him the word to put him to sleep, but you feel like dialing that phone is just going to get him to exit your life quicker. Yet, hes in so much pain that it has to be done. As you dial the phone, you reach for a tissue, and the tech answers the phone as you feel your throat and nose tighten up further.
Nothing helps, no bible verses, no rainbow bridge poems, you just wanna hold your cat, you want to see him bring in another rodent, or watch him happily jump up by the cat food bowl, greet the kids every morning at the bus stop.
You stand up to write, and have to keep walking away from the computer, because every fucking word your typing is killing you more so.

Didn't end up calling, went down to say goodbye instead. We all shed many tears, how the fuck could he be dying? He was purring, looked so bright eyed, theres no way this Cat is dying, but he is, you know he looks haggard because of a low red blood cell count, but science cannot help grievance any faster.

We take turns passing him around in a circle, tell him how wonderful he is, I get that feeling that he knows, he knows something is up.

Doc sedates him, he acts totally out of it, then lays him down while we pet him, gives him the euthanasia, while we continue crying and he still felt so alive, so vivid. Doc shuts his eyes, tells us to leave right away if we choose.

I get home, its pouring down rain, im in a tshirt, still sick, outside spraying out the litter pan, it keeps pouring on me, why does it always pour when someone dies? Rain is so pretty, but slowly being ruined by these types of events.

It keeps pouring, I shiver, I merely notice, I just notice that I am not going to bring my cat in tonight, I notice stepping out to the garage and feeling instantly stomach sick because he is not there. No more cat food on the table, no more beef liver reminants in a bowl to pick up for him at night, no more cat attacking leg when I walk through garage, and without it, inside I emotionally die.

I talk to Wes, he expresses his condolances. I talk to Allen, he tries his best using humor and empathy to make me feel better. Tho it helps, I feel as if nothing does without my Cat here.

I write those last few words, I cry again. Is he really watching me in Heaven? Is that how God works things? or have I just told myself that all of these years to make myself feel better?

It keeps pouring, I keep cleaning...as if a clean catbox is going to bring him home like it usually does, God help me, I could be giving myself pneumonia, but I just dont give a shit.

I will not sit out on the swing anymore with the cat, he sat with me on summer solstice, a usually odd and almost difficult holiday for me, he sat with me a few times amongst the last evenings I sat out there. My buddy Lucky is gone, and it seems as if this pain will never fully heal. I used to hate when he would bring me dead rats in the garage, but now, id give anything to have him back on earth doing that again.

So I lay here in bed empty, thinking of my lost soul, preparing to pray in hopes that God can tell my Cat how much I love and miss him, and get up tomorrow for work acting as if nothing has happened, but feeling that broken hearted burn inside that will instantly stop my laughter once I start them up again as if I feel guilty to laugh or smile at the world around me. My chest hurts even posting this picture, his soft greenish eyes melted my heart until the moment we lost him and I saw his eyes no more.

I'll always miss him, and love him.

RIP my love, Lucky.

I dont like what your doing to your kid.

This is probably one of the most controversial blogs i have ever written, im just glad ot say first off that my writers block is finally going away and im excited about it.

Anyways, I thought the title was an attention grabber, and condemn me all you want I do not mind if you agree or disagree, your opinions are more then welcome!

ADD: My kid is having trouble paying attention, so there is his label: attention deficit disorder

ADHD: My kid is wild, and having trouble paying attention, so lets g ive him that label (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder)

ODD: Op-positional defiant disorder.. My kid automatically says NO when asked a question.

Aspergers syndrome: person, child, whatever..has a quirky personality, excells in one or two things, and has a lot of trouble interacting socially.


Way back when..well, a little before I was growing up. they didnt have all of these pharmaceutical labels for your kids, and its funny how everyone turned out fine isnt it?

Einstein himself was famous for not doing well in school

Now firstly, I am going to say that some of these conditions could potentially be real, but I have learned in my experiences (as studying naturopathic medicine growing up, taking child development and VERY ACTIVELY assisting in raising both of my nephews, and seeing how much thingss have changed through the years)that the pharmecuitical companies are not all they are cracked up to be.

My kid has ADHD, lets put him on ritalin (or another similar drug) to and calm him down, next time you know (and this happened to a dear old friend of mine) the kid is a zombie, doesnt have the same excentric personality he had before when he had this alleged "learning disorder"

It is flat out embarassing, for my friend's kids to pretty much do whatever they want, and have my friend walk up and say "Im sorry, my kid has ADHD, he cannot help it". My Mom would have WHOOPED OUR ASSES if we were older then the age of 3, and still bit people, or mouthed off and said whatever we wanted when we were old enough to know the difference.

Many times it is proven (in the naturopathic world, not so much the modern medicine "run to the DR everytime you sneeze" world) that often really eccentric children, have a bad reaction to the CRAP that is in our food (commonly red dye number 40, and sodium Benzoate, and other artificial sweeteners and preservatives that are in everything)

Check your kid, instead of drugging him first...That should be the slogan for a new tshirt. I bet half of the kids out there have not even been tested if they are having a bad reaction to red dye number 40, or high fructose corn syrup, or sodium benzoate, or anything else on the labels of our overly stimulating drinks and food.

Wouldnt people rather check and see what their kids can and cannot handle, instead of running them to the DR to drug them up and fix the problem and make your child a zombie??

No, its more fun I guess to feed lots of money to our rich pharmaceutical big wigs, and make our kids little aliens instead of doing whats best for them in feeding them natural foods.

My other peeve: ASPERGERS....granted, I am sure it exists, I am not saying none of this does, but just ecause someone doest have a clue. is not on the same page as you, is socially awkward, tempermental and childish, doesn't reason, and has something they are an exceptional whiz at, does not mean that they are autistic.

I get it, awareness, they know so much more now then they knew before! but really, do they? or are we just feeding the doctors, shrinks, governments, and pharmaceutical companies pockets on prescription drugs and office visits?
you tell me.

what do adults do on Halloween?

Haunted houses: busy, expensive

Drinking: Borrriiiinnngggggg

So aside from dressing up, what is there exactly for us child-less adults to do on Halloween? it has potential, but what does everyone do for it aside from set up cheesy displays and make shift haunted houses? ideas to come....and welcome.

sick of it

Writers block, its like an noncontagious mental bubonic plague. I want less of the ME ME ME's in writing....like the way my writing used to be...but see? I did it again.

Frick. Help :(

Grab bag snapshot: entry 2

 

Here are random shots of the boys and our girl

 

 

 

  

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101 things to do at an airport or on the airplane

This blog is for Reece and Alisa: everyone else would just think its stupid...

1. Keep saying TERMINAL ONE in a robot voice, if you see old people, do it right in their face
2. Take drugs, get them in your pants through security
3. Get all the kids together in one place and play duck duck goose and read stories while waiting for boarding.
4.smuggle an aligator...my friend works airport security, and that really happened lol.
5. TALK AND TAALLK to the nearest stranger next to you (thats for you Reese)
6. When you board the plane and the door shuts, scream IT SMELLS LIKE ALLIGATOR POOP!!
7.Read a book
8.Read a magazine
9. Read your partners eyes
10.Knit
11.Crochet
12. Run through the terminals screaming your favorite songs
13. Use the drinking fountain for a waterfight in the airport! or bottled water on the plane..make sure and soak the pee out of the old people
14. Laugh endlessly, Holly style
15. Eat
16. when they take your drink order..be really indecisive and say uuhhhhhhhmmm a lot
17. draw
18. Color
19. twiddle your thumbs
20. pop every bone in your body
21. burp
22. Fart
23. fart and burp in a chorus of WE WILL ROCK YOU!
24. Have hot steamy sex at 1000 miles in the air, THE MILE HIGH CLUB!!
25. Watch the Hangover
26.Make a mini flash mob just you and your travel mates, sing songs like LEAVIN ON A JETPLANE! and I WANT TO FLY AWAY by Lenny Kravitz
27. Read the skymail magazine, fantasize how WEIRD your life could be with some of the objects in there
28. play ispy, looking out the window only (and only use clouds) lol!
29.look at the cloud formations in the sky
30. when i was little, i used to picture people sitting on the clouds watching me fly by (weird, i know!)
31. talk and laugh like peter griffen, and stewie..tho Peter would be more annoying and fun!
32. Count all the old people, then eat them
33. talk like an arab...
34. dont say BOMB in an airport..but say TICKING EXPLOSIVE DEVICE instead...
35. try to break into stupid ex's accounts....and fail miserably at it because you just do not care
36. sleep (my eyes are so heavy right now just saying the word)
37.pick your scabs, gross, i know!
38. pick your nose
39.pick your bum
40.pick your partners hair, and eat his bugs like a monkay.
41. Impersonate your favorite wild animal
42. Talk in a fake Brittish or Irish accent the entire time from airport through checkpoint and too airplane
43. ask the TSA if they are going to check your partner and see if they have drugs in their pocket, then give them reason to why you think that !!
44. Ride on the luggage ramp when you get your bags
45. Yell TUBULAR DUDE!! and humm SURFIN USA by the beach boys while you ride it
46. have sex on one, youd be in for the ride of your life, in the back of a cop car!
47. airport bathroom sex....
48. airPLANE bathroom sex..sounds claustraphobia inducing
49.throw a screaming child in the bathroom, and flush him and watch him fly!
50. sit and wonder who you just shat on as you took that dump in the airplane bathroom...
51.smuggle a dwarf through security check point
52. TEXT OR CALL HOLLY ON HER CELL THAT NOW WORKS!! lol!
53. take lots of pictures..
54. get a smoothie from the rad place at PDX before the check points, mmm
55. kick yourself in the ass, because by the time you read this, youll be past the check points lol
56. learn something new about eachother that you have never told eachother...
57. get excited about eating at TGI FRIDAYS!! :) or anywhere new on the trip!
58. remember to not be douche bags and fuck tards, and pack me in your suitcases next time lol
59. try combining ginger ale with something else sprite-ish! or ginger ale and v8.its oober good!!
60.dont read my, dont read my, dont read my pokerface...
61. tickle a TSA guy..see if it gets you through security quicker.
62. you know those belts at the security check point that you put your crap on? lay on one, so the tsa man can see your skeleton lol
63. make lots of static when you have to take your shoes off
64. and shock everyone with it!!
65. have your id ready (possibly the most useful piece of advice on this entry)
66. cry like a baby when you gain or lose your 10 bucks (i heard about your little bet!!!)
67. remember, this trip is about eachother.and to do all you can for eachother during the duration of this trip
68. Find me a hot date! tell reese what happened! lol :)
69. start the wave while on the plane
70. start the wave while sitting to board a plane
71. when they call kids traveling alone to board first, walk on your knees and go IM A WIDDLE KID!!!
72. remember that Holly + Ryan = YES YES YES!! and plan out exactly what i am going to say to him when i see him for the first time in a year and remember were all going to dinner together lol!
73. think of Unique wedding flares for when that day comes for you two :)
74. streak through the airport...nah, better yet, the airplane!
75. slap yourself, for not texting me back when i told you what number i was on :)
76. slap reese, because abuse is awesome!
77. kick alisa in the shin, because I said so! :P
78. take turn putting regurgatated old people and kids on the baggage belts...
79. tell the lady :id like to fly today: when you check your boarding pass through the under plane portion
80. challenge eachother to not say the word WORK, SUPERVISOR, OR LABOR the entire time your gone :)
81. woah, i just fell asleep between 80 and 81..no joke
82. okay, your turn..what can you add to the list?
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Eddie my love.. (referencing the 60s song)

yeah, well, the decision to become a parent has been haunting me forever now. I honestly think that the influence of shows like John and Kate plus 8 played some kind of role to it, but on my own, I saw how important kids are. I have had my kid nephew J for a long time now, hes a super rad kid and I can only dream that my little boy is going to be just like him in most ways. I am not financially able to support a kid right now, Id like to be settled in a career, and living on my own, and of course, b eing able to do what all I can for my kids. I have always wanted a son as well, im thinking having 2 nephews had a huge play in the reasons for that. Also the fact that I truely have had bad luck with evil little girls! Lets face it, when it comes to kids, boys are boss, and little girls are annoying princesses.

Also, since as long as I can remember, I have wanted to name my son, Eddie (really, to the point of that being a relationship requirement, ask the ex's lol). Just a vision I had, my Mom, all she ever wanted to be was a Mom, and I guess for the most part I follow that.

Yes, sleepless nights, permanent commitments and maturity, attitude plays a big role in becoming a parent, but darn it, im ready. In every way but financially. I had a lot of practice watching J so much.

Everytime I step into the store, I gawk over the babie clothes (if they are in sight).
Im working on a letter to write to my future children, just so I can see how much things change between this confidence in being ready, and the time I actually have them would be.

Alright, im off to find unflavored jello, toodles everyone.