Stop breathing.

There is no feeling in the world like it...you havent experienced shit until you have had that experience. It took having that experience more then once before it kinda hit me. Ive been through a lot of emotional shit in my life time, I dont fully trust anyone, and live very cautiously, a lot of people have done a lot of bad things to me. Its best not to count on anyone, ,that of course made me wallow in self pity for a while. It left me cold and bitter (and still does sometimes). I spent years in a period of life that didnt suit me well, it made me feel trapped and disabled, and at times for various reasons, I still do at times. Really not getting into detail on that one, but if you wanna know, you can ask me in a non public setting. Anyways, im a fairly angry individual sometimes, when memories come back, they come in clusters and it reminds me of bitter hardships ive had spent time in, but nothing, NOTHING NOTHING, wakes you up more then losing your breath.
Face it, breathing is something you take advantage of, its so natural you do it in your sleep...am I right? Well, when that breath is taken away, when its yourself or someone close to you, you realize none of that trivial bullshit has any relevance too it. Your narcissistic disgusting ways cant compare to watching a man take his last breath of life. That dumb boy that grabbed your heart and played ping fucking pong with it is just a small bump compared to losing what you have.
Im not dying..well, I guess were all dying inside, in an emotional sense, as well as the fact that the avg human life lives to be about 70 or 80 anyways. However, for only brief seconds, that ended up feeling like hours...I have stopped breathing, a handful of times, i choked on my food, one time, i had been upset and crying and i just..stopped breathing. Both times on my own i was able to regain my breath, I know its nothing, but i wrote this writing piece to kinda..talk about what was going through my head in those brief moments. Aside from OH SHIT!. Also what could have gone through my head In those moments.
What about my last convo with my family? what could I have said? my mom had emailed me that she loves me too, and i told her thanks (i had said i loved her when i sent her digital flowers) and how the email had made my day. other then that, we got busy when she got home, and had conversed a little, but not much..she was feeding the dogs and i was cycling laundry.
My sister..whats funny, i dont remember the last convo, all of us were chattin briefly during a usual night routine of GH, and vividly, i cant remember much of the convo...likewise with my nephew, the last thing he said to me was IM OUT when we put on General hospital (lol, hes such a cute character). Most of my friends...were in a life cycle of fighting drama on my facebook page all day.. or joining me in lightening up the mood a bit...what would have happened if in that very moment I had left them? if in that moment in time, I had taken my very last breath? The after thoughts freaked me out as much as the incident. During the incident, i was gasping..but unable to actually breathe in the air, and reaching inside my throat trying to pull out stringed swiss cheese (I ended up pulling 2 almost 2 inch pieces from my throat, but swallowing a big chunk down, i got lucky it slid down my throat instead of being permanantly stuck). Anyways, So I just pretty much got really lucky today, no doubt. I gotta thank the man upstairs, for sure.
I used to get really depressed...if something like that would happen, then id swear up and down that no one would give a shit, i still get that way sometimes, many stupid people in my life dont help, but in fact hinder...most things dont help, one thing helps..and shes writing this blog right now. Shes flowing the words onto her paper, and she doesn't always help, but shes truely the only thing that does.
Anyways, im rambling..forgive my latest writing style, my nerves have been shooken up. Im lucky to be alive, for sure. Make sure your last convos with someone, well all convos are nice and drama free. Even if they are getting on your nerves, these kind of things happen, and your lucky to have each person in your life, really think about what life would be without just one of them, and how much more it would suck. Also, take smaller bites :)