I will die not understanding.

The most traumatic thing happened yesterday. Ive spent my entire life with Animals, ive got 5 dogs, 4 cats, 5 chickens, and 2 ducks (all for pets, not for meat). Ive learned each one as an individual name, personality, and part of the family. Yes, were THOSE kinds of people in the Miller house.

Yesterday, my baby killed my other baby, in a disgusting, malicious brutal sort of way. My Border Collie Maxwell, grabbed my baby girl chicken by the head when she poked it out of the fence, and essentially took it straight from her body. I went outside checking on the dogs and everyone getting ready to round them in. I saw Max tugging on an object through the chicken fence, figuring it was a toy, I walked over. The sight made me want to throw up instantly, I began screaming at my dog. I shooed him away and brought the other dogs into the house.

I checked and she definitely wasn't alive or in whole form, I panicked. Could not believe that my dog had done such a disgusting act. He had been taught that chickens were part of the family. He had showed me that he was protect ant of them (he used to chase away unwanted creatures from the run). The same chicken who lost her life yesterday, escaped the pen and ran out in front of him a week ago, and he completely ignored her and i shooed her back into the chicken run.

This week, he obviously changed his mind. I will never understand it, I will never ever get why this happened. My immediate, and still reaction, is and will be shock. I ran and got Allen, who lives next door, and has been like another brother to me for about 10 years now.

Generally, Allen has his moments of dropping off the radar and not answering the door, and i had feared that this time. For some reason, I got lucky, I believe he probably had that same instinct i often have iwth him, where when something is really wrong, you detect that in people that you are close to, you know what im talking about??

He came outside, i was bawling and in tears, and told him that Max killed one of the chickens, and i asked him to clean it up for me, because i wasn't able too bring myself to do that (I am a thanatophobic, which is a fear of dead things/ death of any kind, its also called a necrophobic, but i dont like to use that term, because people get it mixed up with something completely different). I also needed him to please to removed the body immediately, because it was freaking my other chickens and ducks out. He came over, got rid of everything, I went out and cleaned up the feathers and etc that I could after he left, hysterically crying the entire time.

Henrietta was such a sweet chicken, she came to us only a few days old, with a beautiful yellow spot on her head, she grew into looking gorgeous and speckled black and white, and having an amazing personality. When id go out in the chicken run ,shed await atop the duck cage (They have cages inside their enclosed run), and wait for attention. She was our tiny little chick, shed sit at the top and coo for attention, her and nugget used to bicker over the food, playfully and kindly to eachother. She had a very unique personality, and will always be missed. Walking outside and not seeing her in the coop as part of the group, is very painful and tear jerking, mildly haunting and very un natural. They each have a special place in my heart, a uniqueness about them all.

I just don't fucking get it. My dog was so sweet. Hes the dog that approaches our neighbors pit-bull on the other side of the block, and licks its face. I sit down, hes in my lap licking my face. He used to lick our vet even after getting shots. Hes affectionate, and cuddly. A prince, and has never showed me in the past that he would hurt anything that wasn't a threat to his family. Allen thinks that maybe he was jealous, because I spent quite a bit of time with the chickens. I really don't think that was the case, tho anything is possible. ive always spent time with the dogs, and showed them the same attention i give the chickens and ducks.

All night last night I had lucid dreams, I bolted awake most of the night. They kept bringing me back to that moment in time, it felt like it was all preventable, in a way, I guess it was. we could have guarded the chain length fence better with chicken wire, I could have had max in the other part of the back yard, had i even thought for a second that he was a danger to the chickens, I would have done everything in my power to keep him away from them all, even the fence that they periodically stick their heads through, would have been protected.

How was I to know, but the fact that I could have easily prevented this entire thing by more protection and supervision, makes me feel pretty worthless.

Now its back to being really depressed, wondering why God hates me again and this time, and not knowing how to process anything. Ive been a living, breathing zombie for a day and a half now. My convos disappear and I have trouble hearing or processing anything, I cant get the image out of my head, and mostly, I miss Henrietta, and will never understand why one of my babies, maliciously murdered the other one. Fuck my life, God hates me, I am sure of it.