Im not going to bullshit you, this is a very tough but very true piece.

"The world that we used to know, people tell me it dont turn no more" -lyrics from Midnight Cruiser by Steely Dan

Im sitting here cleaning out my room, and i had to stop to write this piece. Listening to the song 'Hallelujah' (that was in the movie Shrek) by Rufus Wainwright, I again wanna re itterate my blog from 2006/2007 where I press that "love is worthless" (love of all kinds) Yes I do love my family, and friends and I know they love me. As the song says, its a "cold and its a broken" Hallelujah. Religious or not, Hallelujah means to "sing praise" which as your foolishly in love, t hat is really all you want to do. Wheras it leaves you, it leaves you cold, and it leaves you bitter. All you learn is to shoot at someone who out drew you. Ive said and meant lots of mean things ive never known being capable since time has changed me. Even if you build up a dispise for that person, and are far from loving them ever again, you still have a coldness you carry in your heart and soul that you never really get rid of. Yeah, im gonna try again, only for sakes of, having children and trying new things in life. I honestly have no use for love, and its a very pointless thing. People use that L O V E word to make an excuse to hurt eachother, to throw stones of pain and bitterness, because LOVE is nothing but a licence to say "i can say what i want, because were close, and i love them anyway, even if i do tell them they're a worthless pos to their face" thats all love really is. You can care about that person, but if they contract meningocochal tomorrow and lose their arms and legs, you may say you will, but are you really going to stick around?? If they lose their head and begin throwing mental stones at you tomorrow, and become to irrational to tolerate, how long are you "really" going to be there?? You may say you will, you may say you will be there through thickness and thin spots, and til death do you part, but people change..bad things happen, and endless waking nights of you dealing with this persons crazy mentality or cleaning wounds and bandages and toileting, well, many of you (but not all of you, and your probably not reading this whoever you are) will just, walk away.
Maybe use an excuse, but you will probably just walk off like the shallow soul you really are inside. Ive always had this image of an angel following me around, and a hope that we all have a peaceful angel God sends that tells us everything is going to be okay, I imagine he does, but im certain no one actually listens to him. You may look at your loved one, and say "ill be with them forever" but dont be so naieve, its probably hopefulness and false bullshit you are telling yourself. You dont know that, you dont know what that person is going to be in five years, they may not have changed in 20 years, but in a shorter amount of time ,they very well could. It only took me less then a year to change as a person, and ive watched many of you change as well in various amounts of time. Enjoy your time with your loved one, because statistics, there real numbers. I wish you the best, but face reality that nothing is forever.


Now, onto friends. People are shallow, in my friend-cycling years, I can honestly say that many have a shallow side. Im not here to down my friends, but this is not the past times everyone talks about. Talk to any elderly person about how the spirit has gotten smaller through the years. The loyalty "stick by your side" spirit just isnt there anymore. Friends come and go, I wanna keep my friends forever, but realistically, five years from now, many could potentially astray. The only thing in general, that usually changes a person, is a parent. Even those "people types" are becoming more shallow and ignorant as time goes by. Im not here to rip people apart, by all means. Tho at times i fear i have too. Im watching many of my friends and foes right now change, not just the obvious ones, but i find myself having to watch what I do or say about anything and everything, prance around on eggshells. Sometimes it takes another eye to see it, but it usually always happens. Its not a certain group of people, its everyone. Ive even changed, ive gotten older and wiser, but also more rock solid and colder through. Times are harder, things are much more tougher as time goes on. Part of it is growing up, the very obvious. In an emotional level, im a fairly independant individual, i tell people everything, but i do things and deal with things my way no matter what people really say. I let the "landside bring me down". Emotionally, ive been through a lot of things, though i do bring many of them on myself at times, the stuff that i havent has really torn me apart inside, it does, almost daily. I remember dates, moments, times where things sometimes hurt before, and/or now. Things i havent confirmed but know is right in front of me and dont dare or especially want too confront, I recall moments in time that have passed that have been good, and tho i do all i can to prepare for the better, i usually still have so much that i know i have to prepare for. I have a perpetual fear of death, and things i know that are coming and happening in the future such as that. For all good there is bad, and i try to be cool and funny and tell myself that its all going to be okay, but i really cant. I just wanna keep everyone in my life that is here now, but I know it won't happen, because life is about those fucked up changes that I hate. I take every insult with a grain of salt and harshly, never hear any compliments, just get scolded for everything. People are fucking negative, i swear. What is wrong with this world?? God knows im one of his more bitter peaches, but God certainly doesnt wonder why anymore im sure.

Don't call me negative, if you do, ill tell you to wake up and smell the roses and look around, im just a realist.