Sunday, February 27, 2011
My really crazier then batshit week
can be..seen on facebook if your one of my friends. I dont want certain spying jerks tied to my past to see every detail...
20 random thoughts...
1. I just had my first screwdriver (which is an Orange Juice with vodka...lol so much knowledge with my minimal alcohol history) and dont feel sick or nauseas..and wonder if thats normal.
2. I need a date to my friends wedding in August (hahahaha lawlercoaser!)
3. August tho in one way is very exciting, is also very tragic because shes going to miss Krys :( stupid oil war and its deploying bullshit.
4. Will I ever find the right person and also walk down the aisle?
5. Will I make it to my 25th birthday? or is that ONE theory right as tested after this week?
6. My last late night writing session or facebook fun before I have to go back to work on Monday.. better make it more exciting then this.
7. I dont care if its 20 degrees outside, I will always sleep without pants unless I have the chills.
8.Acid reflux at 4 am sucks.
9. My cute redheaded stepchild cat Tigger is on top of my covers purring loud as i write this..what makes a cat Purr anyways?
10.Ive got to get this ugly ass room cleaned..need to start getting rid of stuff next week.
11. How much more would I get done if I didnt play frontierville? or get on my laptop or ipod at all ?
12. Why is Through With Buzz by Steely Dan stuck in my head and on repeat in one part?
13.Is Frontiervile a never ending game? and why do I get started playing these games?
14. THOSE people have been really quiet...so im not sure if they finally stopped harassing me or are planning something big....
15. I sure hope my Ducks and Chickens are staying warm on this freezing cold night.
16.When Neil Young wrote the song "Old Man" from the album Harvest...did he only see the Young Man's point of view? and does he see the old mans point of view now a days since he is much older?
17. I really hate being ganged up on..yet im ganged up on at least 3 times a week by some sort of drama queen group and such.
18, I could come up with more exciting thoughts if I wasnt playing Frontierville in the other window....
19. Cant decide if she wants too..make record purses or start sanding down furniture (for my serious goal) and for my adventure goal..take piano lessons or Muy Thai kickboxing.
20. Opinions are welcome... :)
2. I need a date to my friends wedding in August (hahahaha lawlercoaser!)
3. August tho in one way is very exciting, is also very tragic because shes going to miss Krys :( stupid oil war and its deploying bullshit.
4. Will I ever find the right person and also walk down the aisle?
5. Will I make it to my 25th birthday? or is that ONE theory right as tested after this week?
6. My last late night writing session or facebook fun before I have to go back to work on Monday.. better make it more exciting then this.
7. I dont care if its 20 degrees outside, I will always sleep without pants unless I have the chills.
8.Acid reflux at 4 am sucks.
9. My cute redheaded stepchild cat Tigger is on top of my covers purring loud as i write this..what makes a cat Purr anyways?
10.Ive got to get this ugly ass room cleaned..need to start getting rid of stuff next week.
11. How much more would I get done if I didnt play frontierville? or get on my laptop or ipod at all ?
12. Why is Through With Buzz by Steely Dan stuck in my head and on repeat in one part?
13.Is Frontiervile a never ending game? and why do I get started playing these games?
14. THOSE people have been really quiet...so im not sure if they finally stopped harassing me or are planning something big....
15. I sure hope my Ducks and Chickens are staying warm on this freezing cold night.
16.When Neil Young wrote the song "Old Man" from the album Harvest...did he only see the Young Man's point of view? and does he see the old mans point of view now a days since he is much older?
17. I really hate being ganged up on..yet im ganged up on at least 3 times a week by some sort of drama queen group and such.
18, I could come up with more exciting thoughts if I wasnt playing Frontierville in the other window....
19. Cant decide if she wants too..make record purses or start sanding down furniture (for my serious goal) and for my adventure goal..take piano lessons or Muy Thai kickboxing.
20. Opinions are welcome... :)
Monday, February 21, 2011
Back in the highlife again by Steve Winwood
Word. Thanks Steve Winwood..and Its always sunny in Philadelphia for re connecting me to this song.
Stop breathing.
There is no feeling in the world like it...you havent experienced shit until you have had that experience. It took having that experience more then once before it kinda hit me. Ive been through a lot of emotional shit in my life time, I dont fully trust anyone, and live very cautiously, a lot of people have done a lot of bad things to me. Its best not to count on anyone, ,that of course made me wallow in self pity for a while. It left me cold and bitter (and still does sometimes). I spent years in a period of life that didnt suit me well, it made me feel trapped and disabled, and at times for various reasons, I still do at times. Really not getting into detail on that one, but if you wanna know, you can ask me in a non public setting. Anyways, im a fairly angry individual sometimes, when memories come back, they come in clusters and it reminds me of bitter hardships ive had spent time in, but nothing, NOTHING NOTHING, wakes you up more then losing your breath.
Face it, breathing is something you take advantage of, its so natural you do it in your sleep...am I right? Well, when that breath is taken away, when its yourself or someone close to you, you realize none of that trivial bullshit has any relevance too it. Your narcissistic disgusting ways cant compare to watching a man take his last breath of life. That dumb boy that grabbed your heart and played ping fucking pong with it is just a small bump compared to losing what you have.
Im not dying..well, I guess were all dying inside, in an emotional sense, as well as the fact that the avg human life lives to be about 70 or 80 anyways. However, for only brief seconds, that ended up feeling like hours...I have stopped breathing, a handful of times, i choked on my food, one time, i had been upset and crying and i just..stopped breathing. Both times on my own i was able to regain my breath, I know its nothing, but i wrote this writing piece to kinda..talk about what was going through my head in those brief moments. Aside from OH SHIT!. Also what could have gone through my head In those moments.
What about my last convo with my family? what could I have said? my mom had emailed me that she loves me too, and i told her thanks (i had said i loved her when i sent her digital flowers) and how the email had made my day. other then that, we got busy when she got home, and had conversed a little, but not much..she was feeding the dogs and i was cycling laundry.
My sister..whats funny, i dont remember the last convo, all of us were chattin briefly during a usual night routine of GH, and vividly, i cant remember much of the convo...likewise with my nephew, the last thing he said to me was IM OUT when we put on General hospital (lol, hes such a cute character). Most of my friends...were in a life cycle of fighting drama on my facebook page all day.. or joining me in lightening up the mood a bit...what would have happened if in that very moment I had left them? if in that moment in time, I had taken my very last breath? The after thoughts freaked me out as much as the incident. During the incident, i was gasping..but unable to actually breathe in the air, and reaching inside my throat trying to pull out stringed swiss cheese (I ended up pulling 2 almost 2 inch pieces from my throat, but swallowing a big chunk down, i got lucky it slid down my throat instead of being permanantly stuck). Anyways, So I just pretty much got really lucky today, no doubt. I gotta thank the man upstairs, for sure.
I used to get really depressed...if something like that would happen, then id swear up and down that no one would give a shit, i still get that way sometimes, many stupid people in my life dont help, but in fact hinder...most things dont help, one thing helps..and shes writing this blog right now. Shes flowing the words onto her paper, and she doesn't always help, but shes truely the only thing that does.
Anyways, im rambling..forgive my latest writing style, my nerves have been shooken up. Im lucky to be alive, for sure. Make sure your last convos with someone, well all convos are nice and drama free. Even if they are getting on your nerves, these kind of things happen, and your lucky to have each person in your life, really think about what life would be without just one of them, and how much more it would suck. Also, take smaller bites :)
Face it, breathing is something you take advantage of, its so natural you do it in your sleep...am I right? Well, when that breath is taken away, when its yourself or someone close to you, you realize none of that trivial bullshit has any relevance too it. Your narcissistic disgusting ways cant compare to watching a man take his last breath of life. That dumb boy that grabbed your heart and played ping fucking pong with it is just a small bump compared to losing what you have.
Im not dying..well, I guess were all dying inside, in an emotional sense, as well as the fact that the avg human life lives to be about 70 or 80 anyways. However, for only brief seconds, that ended up feeling like hours...I have stopped breathing, a handful of times, i choked on my food, one time, i had been upset and crying and i just..stopped breathing. Both times on my own i was able to regain my breath, I know its nothing, but i wrote this writing piece to kinda..talk about what was going through my head in those brief moments. Aside from OH SHIT!. Also what could have gone through my head In those moments.
What about my last convo with my family? what could I have said? my mom had emailed me that she loves me too, and i told her thanks (i had said i loved her when i sent her digital flowers) and how the email had made my day. other then that, we got busy when she got home, and had conversed a little, but not much..she was feeding the dogs and i was cycling laundry.
My sister..whats funny, i dont remember the last convo, all of us were chattin briefly during a usual night routine of GH, and vividly, i cant remember much of the convo...likewise with my nephew, the last thing he said to me was IM OUT when we put on General hospital (lol, hes such a cute character). Most of my friends...were in a life cycle of fighting drama on my facebook page all day.. or joining me in lightening up the mood a bit...what would have happened if in that very moment I had left them? if in that moment in time, I had taken my very last breath? The after thoughts freaked me out as much as the incident. During the incident, i was gasping..but unable to actually breathe in the air, and reaching inside my throat trying to pull out stringed swiss cheese (I ended up pulling 2 almost 2 inch pieces from my throat, but swallowing a big chunk down, i got lucky it slid down my throat instead of being permanantly stuck). Anyways, So I just pretty much got really lucky today, no doubt. I gotta thank the man upstairs, for sure.
I used to get really depressed...if something like that would happen, then id swear up and down that no one would give a shit, i still get that way sometimes, many stupid people in my life dont help, but in fact hinder...most things dont help, one thing helps..and shes writing this blog right now. Shes flowing the words onto her paper, and she doesn't always help, but shes truely the only thing that does.
Anyways, im rambling..forgive my latest writing style, my nerves have been shooken up. Im lucky to be alive, for sure. Make sure your last convos with someone, well all convos are nice and drama free. Even if they are getting on your nerves, these kind of things happen, and your lucky to have each person in your life, really think about what life would be without just one of them, and how much more it would suck. Also, take smaller bites :)
Saturday, February 12, 2011
So I haven't really done this in a while
So much has happened between November and now, I dont even know where to begin. Lifes full of changes, and ive always been one to say that I absolutely hated lifes changes. Between losing pets and people in my life, exiting relationships, losing jobs, being out of school, lots of negative changes for me. I dont want to jinx it by saying this, but overall things are changing in a small better direction. For one, I got a job. My ultimate goal has been complete, that was in November. I bike ride to work everyday, tho somedays my legs wanna give out on me and quit, I plug on and burn about 200 calories everyday :) the natural beauty and wildlife i pass by on the way to work is pretty amazing. I saw a blue Heron on the way to work one day (and again on the way home). Mever saw it again after that, but that type of bird is something ive always wanted to see, kind of symoblic to the beauty of having this job I guess.
The job can be a pain, I cried my entire first week on the way home being that I missed my babies so much, and felt very...unwanted in the work placee for the first few weeks. Now I feel a tiny bit more wanted, but kind of found a purpose for being there, so I spend time with my pets every chance i get, ive got an orange cat laying on my left wrist rubbing his feet on me as I type this blog from my laptop :). I started dating again a bit, im not going to go into detail, hes a polite and private person, but i will say its a wonderful experience, and he has everything my ex actual boyfriend doesn't have. Including the ability to kiss. This time around was very different, im dealing with a person who is mostly very honest with me, and we have different intentions and have gone a completely different direction. I like it a lot I have a new best friend in life, and hes honest to me.
Speaking of friends, most of them at times are total flakes, but ive been getting out with some of them more. The mostly good ones yk? :) I just got back actually I di some bowling with my friend Amber, and last weekend when i got my new laptop, I went out with Alisa and Kayla, and they were here the week before, and i went to Kaylas house. Went to the mall with Noemi this week, been eating lunch with Tony at work everyday, and Megan Kate too yesterday (the 3 of us had a blast!!). I have seen a ton of friends lately, I hope i can maintain that habit :)
Ive grown up a lot more, not just this job or social time, but learning about people, learning when to go forward and accept someone for being an asshole, and/or when not tog et walked on. I think im going to have to say ive done pretty well for myself, i still am the same old Holly. I am loud, in charge, independent, headstrong, and will throw down and kick ass for any friend or family member out there, I give some very good advice, and knowing i made someones day good or better for real, honestly makes my 1000 times better.
The job can be a pain, I cried my entire first week on the way home being that I missed my babies so much, and felt very...unwanted in the work placee for the first few weeks. Now I feel a tiny bit more wanted, but kind of found a purpose for being there, so I spend time with my pets every chance i get, ive got an orange cat laying on my left wrist rubbing his feet on me as I type this blog from my laptop :). I started dating again a bit, im not going to go into detail, hes a polite and private person, but i will say its a wonderful experience, and he has everything my ex actual boyfriend doesn't have. Including the ability to kiss. This time around was very different, im dealing with a person who is mostly very honest with me, and we have different intentions and have gone a completely different direction. I like it a lot I have a new best friend in life, and hes honest to me.
Speaking of friends, most of them at times are total flakes, but ive been getting out with some of them more. The mostly good ones yk? :) I just got back actually I di some bowling with my friend Amber, and last weekend when i got my new laptop, I went out with Alisa and Kayla, and they were here the week before, and i went to Kaylas house. Went to the mall with Noemi this week, been eating lunch with Tony at work everyday, and Megan Kate too yesterday (the 3 of us had a blast!!). I have seen a ton of friends lately, I hope i can maintain that habit :)
Ive grown up a lot more, not just this job or social time, but learning about people, learning when to go forward and accept someone for being an asshole, and/or when not tog et walked on. I think im going to have to say ive done pretty well for myself, i still am the same old Holly. I am loud, in charge, independent, headstrong, and will throw down and kick ass for any friend or family member out there, I give some very good advice, and knowing i made someones day good or better for real, honestly makes my 1000 times better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)