Griefstricken (the loss of a Cat)

the worst feeling in the world, would be when your so stricken with grief, that you cannot even stand. when your breath is shortened, because you just do not know what to do with yourself. You find yourself wandering around, cleaning up the pet bowls, maybe putting his bed in the washer, and for some reason, the rain outside always ends up pouring down. you put every pet bowl he has in the sink, or start scrubbing. You stare at his bed as if it is going to be full with his soft fuzzy belly again. The catbox sits there, and tho you are emptying and getting rid of everything, you do not want to see the place totally empty without him. You know you have to call the vet to give him the word to put him to sleep, but you feel like dialing that phone is just going to get him to exit your life quicker. Yet, hes in so much pain that it has to be done. As you dial the phone, you reach for a tissue, and the tech answers the phone as you feel your throat and nose tighten up further.
Nothing helps, no bible verses, no rainbow bridge poems, you just wanna hold your cat, you want to see him bring in another rodent, or watch him happily jump up by the cat food bowl, greet the kids every morning at the bus stop.
You stand up to write, and have to keep walking away from the computer, because every fucking word your typing is killing you more so.

Didn't end up calling, went down to say goodbye instead. We all shed many tears, how the fuck could he be dying? He was purring, looked so bright eyed, theres no way this Cat is dying, but he is, you know he looks haggard because of a low red blood cell count, but science cannot help grievance any faster.

We take turns passing him around in a circle, tell him how wonderful he is, I get that feeling that he knows, he knows something is up.

Doc sedates him, he acts totally out of it, then lays him down while we pet him, gives him the euthanasia, while we continue crying and he still felt so alive, so vivid. Doc shuts his eyes, tells us to leave right away if we choose.

I get home, its pouring down rain, im in a tshirt, still sick, outside spraying out the litter pan, it keeps pouring on me, why does it always pour when someone dies? Rain is so pretty, but slowly being ruined by these types of events.

It keeps pouring, I shiver, I merely notice, I just notice that I am not going to bring my cat in tonight, I notice stepping out to the garage and feeling instantly stomach sick because he is not there. No more cat food on the table, no more beef liver reminants in a bowl to pick up for him at night, no more cat attacking leg when I walk through garage, and without it, inside I emotionally die.

I talk to Wes, he expresses his condolances. I talk to Allen, he tries his best using humor and empathy to make me feel better. Tho it helps, I feel as if nothing does without my Cat here.

I write those last few words, I cry again. Is he really watching me in Heaven? Is that how God works things? or have I just told myself that all of these years to make myself feel better?

It keeps pouring, I keep cleaning...as if a clean catbox is going to bring him home like it usually does, God help me, I could be giving myself pneumonia, but I just dont give a shit.

I will not sit out on the swing anymore with the cat, he sat with me on summer solstice, a usually odd and almost difficult holiday for me, he sat with me a few times amongst the last evenings I sat out there. My buddy Lucky is gone, and it seems as if this pain will never fully heal. I used to hate when he would bring me dead rats in the garage, but now, id give anything to have him back on earth doing that again.

So I lay here in bed empty, thinking of my lost soul, preparing to pray in hopes that God can tell my Cat how much I love and miss him, and get up tomorrow for work acting as if nothing has happened, but feeling that broken hearted burn inside that will instantly stop my laughter once I start them up again as if I feel guilty to laugh or smile at the world around me. My chest hurts even posting this picture, his soft greenish eyes melted my heart until the moment we lost him and I saw his eyes no more.

I'll always miss him, and love him.

RIP my love, Lucky.