Return of the Jedi simplified and dumbed-down to match modern times

Return of the Jedi in a really basic, semi modernized yet rather simple and warped plotline.
WARNING: you will roll your eyes but hopefully you will understand it is still the entire plot line of Return of the Jedi 😂

Luke: is he really my dad?
Yoda: yep ::dies::
Luke: dammit.
Obiwan hologram: yep, he's your dad.
Luke: well sonovabitch.
Obiwan: yep yep and you've got to fight him too.
Luke: but I don't want tooo!!!
Obiwan: Jedi status, yo.
Luke: fine.

::some go to fight, crashes on Forrest moon::
Wicket: WTF..let's eat!
::big ewok rage over c3PO::
Han: dammit you stupid brass robot. TELL THEM TO LET US GO.

Luke: oh Shit. My deadbeat dad is here. g2g..oh wait..BTW. Sssshhh youre my sister.
Leia: Oh. whatever. I know. Well I wanna fight too!
Luke: no you don't.
I mean if I die you do..but damned if you do and damned if you don't.

::scene flash::

Luke: dad, this is bullshit. I don't want to answer to the emperor.
Darth:: uhhh sorry. We belong to hims. Grab my cigarettes you little bastard.

Meanwhile...
Storm Troopers are invading being a bunch of tough guys.,. then the ewoks attack.
The bad police are here to crash the hairy cute little party...and they fight back proving that size doesn't matter nearly as much as strength. ::short people unite!::

Emperor: so let's get back to talking about your deadbeat dad and how pathetic your friends are. Look what I can do! ::FIRE COMMANDER::

::meanwhile everyone is trying to take down the death Star:::

Emperor: tough shit, son. You got us for FAM now...DOE!
Now hate me... DO IT! DO IT!!! CONVERT TO THE DARKSIDE!!!!

::back on moon Forrest::
Leia takes down a bunch of storm troopers... Han and Leia do the 'I love you I know' thing...::random lovey scene in the middle of the daddy issues having no indication that they should use a contraceptive to avoid the birth of Ben later on:::

::back on death star::
Luke: DADDY I SAID I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT
Darth: wow son, lol you so dumb.
Luke: BUT YOU'RE A GOOD MAN!
Darth: DAMMIT SHUT UP. ::THROWS LIGHTSABER:: give it up, son.
On yeah, I know about my other daughter. Maury told me already. Didn't I look good on TV?
Luke: ::hits with light saber and fight continues::
Emperor: ha. Told you you were evil.
Luke: nooooo. Still a Jedi, Motherf*cker. Like my daddy.
Emperor: so how bout this exorcism?
Jk I keel you.
Darth: don't do that. I'm a deadbeat dad not a murderer.
::sings "Father Figure" by George Michael to Luke::
Darth: ::spends last minute and a half of life being all nice making up for years of deadbeat daddy hood::

Lando: ::blows up deathstar::
Nobody notices when I do cool shit.
It's all about Luuuuukkkeeeee.
WHAT ABOUT ME?!!!! they won't even invite me to the after party.

::ewok party hard::
Han: you love Luke, don't you? I'll go beat his ass.
Leia: you bloody idiot, that's my brother.
::show ends on another big Ewok party::